The Rat is Not You

There is a voice in your head that never stops talking.

It wakes before you do. Scans for threats. Rehearses conversations you haven’t had yet and replays ones you had years ago.

It tells you to keep going when your body says stop. It tells you to stay quiet when something in you wants to speak.

I call that voice the Rat.

Not because it’s bad. Not because it’s your enemy. But because it moves fast, it lives in the walls of the mind, and it is always watching for danger.

The Rat is not you. But it has spoken on your behalf for so long that it can feel like it is.

When it says, “Don’t let them see you struggle,” you don’t hear fear. You hear common sense.

That’s the problem.

Grief

My father died when I was sixteen. I learned early that the world doesn’t wait for you to grieve. You just keep going.

So I kept going.

From the outside, everything looked fine. I worked hard. Focused on hockey. I led high-performing teams. I built a life. Inside, something stayed tight, alert, guarded, unwilling to let go.

Even when things were going well, I felt as if I had to hold everything together.

At forty-two, my wife said, “You’re not really here.”

She was right.

The armour that had helped me cope was now keeping me distant, from her, from our children, and from myself.

When my brother died in 2022, that armour cracked. Not gradually. Completely.

I began walking by the Vltava River in Prague. No plan. No technique. Just movement, space, and the sound of water.

Nothing dramatic happened.

But something quieted.

I wasn't looking for a methodology. I was looking for air.

Four Presences

Working with leaders under pressure, I began to recognise the same pattern. Capable people who weren’t tired from effort alone, but from defending. Performing strength long after it was needed.

Over time, I started to notice four presences in those conversations.

• A part that carries responsibility.
• A part that protects.
• A part that asks the question.
• And a steadier place underneath it all.

I call them the Stag, the Rat, the Wren, and the River.

Not characters to believe in — simply a way of noticing what was already happening.

Taming the Rat

Taming the Rat sounds like control. Techniques. Willpower. A system.

That's not what this is.

The way to tame the Rat is not to fight it. It is to build a better relationship with it.

My work shows you how.

This is not just about improving performance. It is about remembering what remains when performance stops.

If you stay with these dialogues, you may begin to hear which parts of you are speaking, and which part has been silent for too long.

If this is something you or your organisation needs, take a look at the River Dialogues 30-Day Experience

About Andrew

Andrew Sillitoe works with leaders who carry significant responsibility and want to think clearly under pressure.

After 17 years in management consulting, building and leading high-performing sales teams, he became Head Coach for Great Britain Inline Hockey Team, guiding them to international success.

Today, he lives in Prague with his wife Lucie and their four children, where his work is shaped as much by conversations with leaders as it is by quiet walks along the Vltava River.

When he’s not coaching, you’ll usually find him on the ice rink — still playing, still learning, still carrying just enough.